Today we’d like to introduce you to Kathy Whitham.
Kathy, let’s start with your story. We’d love to hear how you got started and how the journey has been so far.
Becoming a Parenting Coach, creating No-Yell™ Parenting, and believing that connection matters more than perfection has been a journey of learning to hear my voice amidst all the noise of conventional wisdom, and trust it above all.
As a very little girl, I would open my mouth to talk and, according to my mom, out would come this startlingly loud voice! I love that story – how fearless she was. As I got older, I felt there was no room to be heard in the clamor of chaos at home and I learned to hide my feelings and needs and question my inner voice.
When I turned 40, my life took an unexpected turn, leaving me as an overwhelmed, divorced mom with three kids. I found myself in a consuming, exhausting and seemingly inexplicable struggle with one of my kids that began in 3rd grade over homework. I tried being creative about when, where and how we did homework. I asked other moms how they handled it, but no one else seemed to be going through what I was. Homework rarely got done and we started fresh each day. This struggle created chaos at home and was very hard on my other kids.
I’d like to say it was just a phase, but it wasn’t. The voices of conventional wisdom kept saying, “Your kid just needs to do what they’re supposed to do,” and “Take away enough and your child will do what you want.” It sounded so simple, but something inside me knew that wasn’t right and believe me, if that was going to work on my kid, it would have already happened! Even though, I didn’t yet know what was right for my child, I did know that conventional wisdom was wrong for my child and I continued to quest for answers.
My child became more and more oppositional and unreachable until, by the time they were 18, it felt like there was an uncrossable chasm between us. Then I found a friend, who shared similar struggles. For the first time, I felt I wasn’t alone. She introduced me to a new understanding of child behavior through the eyes of stress, brain science and emotional regulation. I came to see that my child’s behavior wasn’t a matter of “wouldn’t,” but a matter of “couldn’t.” My heart opened up and an entire childhood of struggle made sense. I know that sounds dramatic, but it truly was like seeing something that had always been there, but that I was blind to. Finally there was something to validate my inner voice.
So, I used this new understanding to begin to build a bridge – a baby step at a time – from my side of the chasm towards my child. This turned our relationship around 180 degrees. It was quite literally the difference between losing my child, and getting them back. Ten years later, we both know, without a doubt, that this saved our relationship and allowed my child to be OK to go out into the world.
Since then, I have taken my experience as a registered nurse, holistic practitioner, yoga teacher and artist along with extensive study of developmental trauma and its effect on the brain and behavior and created No-Yell™ parenting so other parents in situations like mine won’t have to struggle the way I did.
Overall, has it been relatively smooth? If not, what were some of the struggles along the way?
Definitely not such a smooth road! Along the way, I’ve had to do some deep dives into my own perfectionism, my own feelings of regret and shame as a mom, and my own journey of making sense of the quiet trauma of a childhood with depressed parents in an unhappy marriage. I have abandoned myself again and again and painstakingly practiced coming back again and again to build self-trust. I have become better able to listen to my own voice and trust it when it comes to relationships, my business and my family. And that voice often spoke to me first with what was not right before I knew what was right.
This would be my advice to young women. Practice hearing your voice above the noise of other voices. Learn to listen. Fail to listen,and try again. I won’t pretend it’s easy, but keep working at it and move in the direction of trusting yourself more and more. Get support from others who are aligned with your inner voice and don’t try to put yourself in the box of conventional wisdom, when you don’t fit. You are enough and you are worth trusting.
Please tell us about Parenting Beyond Words.
My work boils down to what I call a parent-centric approach to parenting. I believe parents are the most effective agents of change in a family. They hold the real power. So, I focus on supporting and empowering them to be the best they can be.
The way No-Yell™ Parenting differs from some conventional techniques that utilize rewards and consequences is this focus on the parents as the source of the solution. My approach is not rooted in ‘getting your kid to do what you want them to do’ but rather in ‘understanding what your child’s behavior is telling you so you can respond effectively and nurture a relationship with you child that will take you through the teen years and beyond.’
As a matter of fact, I don’t see my approach as a technique at all, although it certainly contains many effective tools and strategies. Rather, I see it as an internal guidance system, rooted in a larger understanding of family dynamics and brain science that are not typically a part of many conventional parenting practices. The core principles of No-Yell™ Parenting align a parent with their inner voice and function as a Parenting GPS to help them make the best choices about all different kinds of situations they may face with their child – choices that build resilience, executive function and support emotional, social and physical health.
I have come to specialize in three different areas with both traditional and non-traditional families.
The first is helping parents who are at their wit’s end because their kids don’t listen, are constantly fighting with each other, have frequent tantrums or daily battles over homework, bedtime, screen time and getting out the door. They’ve tried the sticker charts, time-outs, reasoning and consequences but nothing seems to work. I help these parents make sense of their kids’ behavior, avoid power struggles and nurture deeper, more connected family relationships.
A second is in helping parents who are stuck in a dynamic where they feel undermined and unsupported by the other parent when it comes to handling discipline with their child. This can lead to tension and chaos at home. I show them a way to agree on how to handle their kids and work together without conflict.
And the third is helping parents of transgender and gender non-conforming kids in their struggle to balance their efforts to help their kids feel good about themselves and get the physical and emotional resources they require with their own need for support in dealing with sometimes overwhelming feelings of isolation, grief & worry.
I’m also proud to be a parenting coaching resource for local pediatricians.
Are there any apps, books, podcasts or other resources that you’ve benefited from using?
Gather Enough Fireflies by Suzi Tucker
Love’s Hidden Symmetry by Bert Hellinger
Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Bryan Post & Heather Forbes
The Gifts Of Imperfection by Brene Brown plus all her other books and TED talks
The Connected Child by Karen Purvis, David Cross, Wendy Lyons Sundshine
Go Dogs Go by P.D. Eastman
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.parentingbeyondwords.com
- Phone: 508.358.2251
- Email: parentcoachkathy@gmail.com
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Parenting-Beyond-Words-190689317629735/?hc_ref=ARQz7ZFYLVucuBP0PG0N_r74-3L-h8nXYe4Je6npQXLwlAAuptYwdReOu8mQ36aETe0&fref=nf
- Other: I write a blog which is featured on my website.
Image Credit:
Kathy Whitham
Getting in touch: BostonVoyager is built on recommendations from the community; it’s how we uncover hidden gems, so if you know someone who deserves recognition please let us know here.
